How to Fail.
a one person show written and performed by Ron Campbell.
How to Fail.
by
Ron Campbell
( Before the show, perhaps in the line at the box office, Ron hands out 3 by 5 cards and has audience members write random words on them. Takes them backstage. Once the audience is seated, the show begins.
Lights come up on what looks like a Ted Talk or a Learning Annex classroom. A dry erase board. A screen for projections. A music stand. There is also a small wastebasket. There is a broom and dustpan off stage. Music plays.
Ron appears. He makes three attempts to enter, failing miserably each time, perhaps getting completely rolled up in the carpet or tangled in a front row seat or both. The music starts over each time. He finally turns a pratfall into a “Ta Da!”.
He goes to the dry erase board, opens dry erase pen and becomes intoxicated by the smell. He wafts the smell towards the audience, hoping to intoxicate them as well. In the midst of this he accidentally draws a mustache on his own face.
He makes his way back to the dry erase board. He tries to adjust the height but complicates things with the stand. Finally he writes: “How To Fayle”. Applause.
He then goes to Music Stand. He tries to adjust the height, severely pinching his hand in the attempt. Finally gets it semi where he likes it. He lays out his notes carefully. He leans on stand which causes all the notes to spill to the floor. He takes a swig of water from a plastic water bottle. Begins:)
Thank you for being here.
(But he hasn’t swallowed the water yet so it’s a colossal spit take. Regroups:)
I’d like to welcome all the people here tonight that have self awareness. You know who you are.
I appreciate you all coming out tonight.
And for those of you who hate crowds: You are not alone.
First a bit of housekeeping before we get started…
(He briefly uses a broom and dust pan.)
Okay.
Hello Everybody. My name is Ron. If you are here for How to Fail, Being dumb for dummies in one uneasy lesson you are in the right place.
Just a few brief emergency announcements before we can begin:
There is no smoking, vapeing or yawning allowed during the program. Students are reminded for best results to remain sentient or at least awake for the duration of a the presentation.
I know how it can be. I fall asleep in the middle of the word snazzy.
(He writes the word snazzy on chalkboard. Circles the z’s.)
That’s how it’s going to be.
We ask that you please silence your cellphones. If you don’t know how to silence your cell phone you can ask the millennial living under your seat.
In the unlikely event of a water landing your seat cushion may be used to suspend your disbelief.
Please acquaint yourself with the exit closest to you. They are clearly marked by the Exit signs.
It says Exit, Exit. Exit.
And for those of you who are Dyslexics it says Tixe, Tixe. Tixe.
There will be 2 sessions of How to Fail this semester and we are continuing to shape this class over the coming weeks and indeed your responses tonight will help us to determine whether I like you or not.
If you’re here for the Procrastinators club it has been rescheduled for a later date. And I have to say the members of the Procratinators club leave the Amateur crastinators in the front.
Also the Time Travelers club’s next meeting is last Thursday. I love my friends from the Time Travellers club.
We go back years.
One of my fellow faculty members here at The Learning Annex wanted me to tell you not to come to his Reverse Psychology class, it’s terrible.
I have a note here that The Dyslexics Support Group (normally scheduled at this time) got into quite a fufkerfel last week. They had a Dyslexic singles mixer but the attendance was lustlacker.
It really was. I don’t mean to make fun of dyslexics. In fact I say Long Evil Dyslexics! Come Well!
The voice over acting class has been cancelled but yours truly will be teaching a voice OverActing class next semester at Berkeley Rep.
The Shakespeare class is in room 2b or not 2b. That is the question.
The Pessimist Society is currently scheduling meetings by disappointment only. I’d like to remind the pessimists here tonight that every day is a new beginning of the end.
The Misanthrope club is not accepting any members at this time.
Surprisingly nobody showed up to the Introverts Anonymous meeting in the third stall on the left in the ladies room.
And they changed the location of the Solipsists club again. It’s back at the center of the universe.
Also: The Nihilists club has meetings never.
By the way, I hear the book club was better than the movie club.
And the members of the Passive Aggressive League and the Oxymoron Appreciation Society are having a party and have this announcement: Come for the weak punch, stay for the complimentary insults. I didn’t get invited but that’s fine. No problem. Really. I hope you all have a wonderful time.
Apparently the Gullible’s only meeting was not at 4:37 AM this morning as advertised.
And we want to remind attendees that to get in to the Inappropriate Behavior class you have to know the secret gland shake.
That should do it for announcements. Alright! Let’s get ready to fail!
(He takes a slide remote control out of his pocket. “Go Back. You Are Going The Wrong Way” is projected on the back wall. It is upside down.)
Great. Now I want everyone to reach your hands out. Out in front of you. Now check your cuticles. If you see someone cute: tickle!
Great. Take a look at that.
Now if you did tickle someone- especially a stranger- you failed. You failed to adhere to societal norms. And some of you did. You tickled. I heard the personal space intrusion alarms going off in the form of laughter. Laughter is a great indicator of failure.
If you didn’t actually tickle someone you failed as well. I gave you instructions and you did not fulfill them.
So you already failed either way.
So Give yourself a pat on the back. Right in the center of the back. The lower center. Can’t reach it? Another failure! And we just started!
Without failure there would be no laughter. If everything went right all the time there would be no humor. There would be no stories.
Here’s one: Consider the thinker.
(He works the remote. An image of Rodin’s Thinker goes up on the back
wall.)
Rodin’s masterpiece of consternation.
The Thinker from Hell. The Gates of Hell by Rodin was commissioned to be the grand entrance of a new museum in Paris.
Rodin worked on this door for 37 years.
It was never finished. Failure!
& the museum it was to be the door of was never built. Double Failure! Facing total failure, Rodin plucked “The Thinker” from hell, made him one and a third life size and he became one of the most recognized sculptures of all time. A failure, enlarged. Enlarge your failure!
Lesson 1!
And what is the thinker thinking about? Failure!
If he was thinking about success he’d look like this.
(He uses the remote. The image is of a Civil War Statue somewhere in the South.)
Like one of those ridiculous sculptures in the South of some general thinking about the success of some battle.
Success is Slavery!
That’s why it’s spelled
(He spells this out on the dry erase board:)
SUCKCESS.
THE CESS part, by the way, is for cesspool.
It’s that room in hell filled with poop up to here where they’re all going “Don’t make waves”.
So I say Enlarge your failure.
Go Strong and Wrong.
I’m Ron, but sometimes I like to be more Ron.
I’m idiotic.
Moronic.
And on that topic:
I’m like an antique
I am dustable.
I’m like a mortgage
I’m adjustable.
I’m like wonder bread
I’m so crustable.
I’m so metal I am rustable.
I’m other things that aren’t discussable. It’s disgustable.
I’m trustable.
To be more Ron. Why?
I’m idiotic.
More Ron-ic.
And I’m myopic.
My scrutiny is granular.
It’s spectacular.
My tunnel vision is so trustable.
And you know it’s not a bunch of bull. You can find me in the vestibule.
My kid’s moved out- I’m empty nestable Mind if I call you Mr. Huxtable?
Your baloney is so lunchable.
From Sacramento to Sebastopol.
The F.B.I. and the Interpol.
They all took a poll.
They say I’m more Ron.
But this class is not about accepting failure. Anyone can do that. Look at the person to your right. Look at the person to your left. They are both here for the same reason. The same reason you are here. They’ve tried. And Failed. Some of them miserably. Just look at them.
Sure you’ve all had successes in your lives. Relationships that somehow work. Children somehow born. Achievements somehow achieved.
I know what you’re thinking. If I try to fail and succeed, what have I done?
A quick show of hands. How many of you have hands?
Okay so please take your hands. And put your fingers together. Push them together until the palms meet. You know this position. Like praying. But it is also the position you put your hands in when you’re diving.
It’s a spiritual position but it’s also practical.
You’re on the high dive platform.
Your hands like this to cut the water as you enter it.
As you make your entrance into failure.
And don’t forget hidden in the word entrance is the word entrance.
And right now you’re on the diving board.
You’re making your entrance.
You’re going to dive in and embrace failure like you never have before. A leap of failure.
It’s spiritual.
(Spiritual Indian Music Plays.)
Now bring your hands through the chakras. You know the chakras. You’re from Berkeley- you know your chakras.
The belly chakra.
Now place your hands in the position we call the Kundalini Tortellini Frederico Fellini position. Now bring them up through the Chakras. The heart chakra.
You’ve all had your heart broken at least once in your life.
More, if you’re lucky.
I guarantee the best poem, the best painting, your best rendition of a song you ever sung while crying in the shower- was not a reaction to how successful your life was going. It was a reaction to failure.
Art is our reaction to failure.
Now Keep going through the chakras.
Past the heart to the head chakra.
Right past the Dorsal Laterial Prefrontal Cortex.
Past that hair covered computer that lives behind the top of your face that you balance on the top of your neck all day.
Now close your eyes.
Like you did when you were a kid.
When you had a surprise coming. Close your eyes and you’ll get a surprise your older brother used to say before placing that centipede on your neck. Surprise!
Surprises- good or bad- WAKE US UP. And what is a surprise but a failure of the pattern that came before it? The pattern of success that put us to sleep in the first place.
Close your eyes.
( A Jazz Baseline Plays.)
Jazz musicians do it.
When they want to stretch the boundaries, break the rules, get their jam on. When they want to drown happily in sound.
When they want to catch the spacebus to the Wayoutisphere.
When they want to get out of their own way.
They close their eyes. Why?
(Music Out.)
They did a study at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine.
Charles J. Limb, M.D., assistant professor in the Department of Otolaryngology and a trained jazz saxophonist himself conceived of a way to put musicians engaged in this kind of spontaneous combustion into an MRI machine. This is true.
He wanted to see a brain on jazz.
They had to create instruments that
wouldn’t interfere with the powerful magnets of their magnetic resonance imaging apparatus.
The MRI.
So first he had to make an all plastic saxophone.
So they made this plastic sax and gave it to a jazz musician and put him in the machine. And while he played they monitored his brain.
They found the usual increase in activity in the Medial Prefrontal Cortex, Right here.
It lights up when you’re telling a story about yourself. That lights up when we fail.
And it’s also what lights up when we confess.
(Uses the remote. Image of a brain scan.)
This is your Brain On Jazz .
So. The doctor then slimmed down his findings to just those when the musicians were improvising and not playing prescribed notes.- they found a decrease in the Dorsolateral Prefrontal Cortex, This part that extends to the sides.
The area controlling planned actions and self-censoring.
The area that says No.
(Jazz Music plays.)
So. When Jazz musicians close their eyes they may not be doing it because they’re just “feeling it”. They may not just be doing it to cut out the distractions. Or because they’re remembering a love that went wrong- another failure!
That closing of the eyes may just be the physical manifestation of their attempt to shut down the Dorsolateral Prefrontal Cortex.
The area that says No. The area that says failure is bad.
That sees each no go as a stopportunity.
(Music Out.)
So ignore the head chakra.
It’s alright. We have others. You know them. (Indian Spiritual Music plays.)
We have the Second Chakra, known as the Vestigial Limb Chakra. Now bring your hands up through the third chakra, the anabolic steroid chakra. Good, Now bring your hands up through the fourth chakra, known as… the fourth chakra.
And on up through the fifth chakra, the sixth chakra, the shakra Khan, the shaka zulu. The Shaquille O’Neill. Up even higher: the Shaka laka bing bang way up there. Now very casually reach your arms around your neighbors for a big group hug!
(He leaps into the audience joining a hug in progress. “Happy Days are Here Again” plays.)
Ladies and gentlemen, We’re ready. Ready to embrace failure. Why? Because UNsuccessful is just one effing letter away from FUNsuccessful!
Right then. Let’s get ready to fumble!
I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking what is he thinking.
I’ll tell you what I’m thinking: I’m thinking you’re thinking “All this thinking. All this thinking about thinking. Where even were we?
I understand.
There are certain constants in the world. The laws of entropy insure that failure will always be with us.
Without it we would be doomed to success.
So How can you be more successful at failing?
Think about the last time you screwed up.
You were fine until you realized you screwed up. So it is your reaction to failure that is the problem here. What if you could change that? If failure is inevitable why even care?
Make mistakes great again.
The next time you have a malfunction just don’t give a function!
But to really test this out you need to have some colossal failures. You need to know how to be more successful at failing.
You need to know how to fail.
Your first step is mastering The Power of Un. Yes. Un.
I know.
You may say stupidity.
But it’s not. Think of it as untelligence.
(Light Cue: Center Spot. As he reads this poem he tears off the pages and throws them on the floor.)
I’m Ron. I came here to read poetry. And litter.
Un Achiever.
Unreach the heights, Unclimb the stairs,
Unwear all your underwears,
Unjoin the hoard,
Unhear the word,
Go toward the things that are untoward.
Undo the things that you have done, Unstart the things not yet begun.
Leave all the unthought thoughts unthought And if they ask say you forgot.
We love the things that we unhate, Unfind yourself! It’s not too late. (Undress yourself and undulate!)
Unfriend your “friends” quite unexpected And disappear, quite undetected. Undescribe the unexplained
And you’ll go nowhere, undetained,
But before you get there unarrive.
(Before you click, click unsubscribe.)
And leave all those crimson flags unfurled, And just take nothing for a whirl.
What goes without saying should be left unsaid. So unwind yourself in an unmade bed.
The incomplete is not diminished.
The greatest symphonies are left unfinished
If the new religion is about achieving Add me to the list of the unbelieving. A mystery is only a mystery
If it’s unsolved.
(To think otherwise is unevolved.)
I do not wish to be unkind
But this frantic race to the finish line
(Seeking the wins and awards and tidy conclusions That this unpoem is now eschewing)
Will lead to Doomsday,
The ultimate undoing.
A final answer is a kind of death
So I’ll seek my succor in unrest.
The openist doors are the ones Unlatched. So I’ll celebrate defeat in socks unmatched!
(Light Cue Restore.)
Before we go on a little more housekeeping.
(He sweeps up the crumpled pages into dustpan. Puts them in wastebasket.)
Look, I have a confession to make.
(He upends wastebasket to use as stool, spilling papers.)
I’m not going to make it here but I just wanted you to know I have one. You see, we used to have a saying around here.
(Pause.)
We live in confusing times.
The use of the word unprecedented is reaching an unprecedented high. The way everything is getting weaponized is disarming.
Our love of transparency is clearly fading.
Double negatives are now a no no.
The inventor of the knock knock joke won the no bell prize.
People assault each other with pepper spray. What is up with that? Speaking of salt, I opened my spice cabinet today, found out my artisanal pink Mongolian salt has been defending my kosher salt from the blatant antisemitism of my crazy-mixed-up salt.
And I’ll tell you:
I’ve personally have had it up to here with arm gestures.
(He raises his hand.)
Also I’ve had it up to here with minor floods.
(He indicates a spot just above his ankle.)
Thank you! I’ll be here all weak.
(He falls to the ground.)
A few words about myself before we go on. I have what many would call an unusual background. I was born in the Australian Outback- steakhouse. Off the 101. It was tough. Hyenas licked my afterbirth. We lived on table scraps. We eventually had to move from the Outback to Chilis. Growing up, my family raised me as a militant agnostic. It wasn’t easy. Angry villagers burned question marks on our lawn.
Failure has a long history. It’s called “History”.
The famed French philosopher Renee Descartes said “I think therefore I am.” Who could predict that he would later be asked by a bartender “Would you like a cocktail” to which he replied “I think not.” And disappeared.
A quick Pol:
True or False: there’s such a thing?
Well this is true:
Long before Descartes, in the 4th century, we read of Saint Augustine of Hippo.
(Image comes up of St. Augustine.)
Yes, Hippo.
The patron saint of printers, theologians, brewers and for some reason sore eyes. Considered one of the most important theologians in the history of religion. It is he who said “Fallor Ergo Sum.” I error, therefore I am.
Failure defines us. It gives us the most information. Success confirms our delusions.
Failure sculpts us.
Success bloats us.
Success pads our pockets. Failure sharpens our resolve.
My honest deepest fear is of people for whom success is a priority.
Yes, my friends, there are a lot of successes out there. That’s why YOU are so very important. To create balance.
For success to even be so called success there must be an equal and opposite amount of so called failure.
And that is where many of you come in.
Balance has been represented in many ways throughout time. This is true.
(He goes to the dry erase board to make drawings supporting the following:)
The equal sign originally looked like this.
When the typewriter came along they did not have that symbol but they did have a dash. They offset a dash and thus the equal sign was born.
In Japanese culture it is represented more often than not by the Ensō.
(Ensō image comes up on back wall. He looks at the remote. “Hunh.” Continues.)
The Ensō is one of the most prevalent images in Zen art. It has been seen as everything from a rice ball to a symbol of infinity. The Ensō can also be an expression of the mind of the artist who brushes it. It is said that the state of the practitioner in any art can be clearly read in his or her execution of the circle.
(He selects someone from the audience.)
Stand up sir. Hold up your arm, strong. I need a volunteer. Okay, you sir.
There you are. Don’t worry. I’m going to build a fourth wall between the audience and the stage. And the audience will pay for it!
Now turn yourself grinside out.
I want you to walk in a circle.
(He plays with audience member. The image of The Fool Tarot Card goes up on wall.)
The first card in the Tarot is numbered Zero. The Fool. Notice he is about to step off a cliff.
He is making a leap of failure.
In this picture an atom is depicted.
(Using the remote he scrolls through several incorrect slides. Could be anything. Finally the image of the Atom appears.)
We know that the atoms that compose our bodies are mostly empty space. Empty space pervades the material world, and every sub-atomic particle is the excitation, or vibration, of an empty vacuum. The physicist Stephen Hawking said in the case of the whole universe, one can show that the negative gravitational energy exactly cancels the positive energy of the matter. he said, and I quote: “The total energy of the universe is zero.” Is the universe of modern quantum physics a giant Enso? A big fat zero? A Divine Failure?
(Ensō image appears.)
Last night I dreamt I couldn’t sleep.
There are no easy answers. It’s the questions that are promiscuous!
Seriously though, most questions can be answered one of two ways. It’s a binary system. And it’s no secret that Failures are partial to one of them. 95% of the mistakes you’ve made in your life started with the word: Yes.
(Lights up on Center Spot.)
The Prince. Yes and No
I love the sound of Yes.
It sounds like everything;
An orgasm and a death rattle.
A fart and a cri du coeur.
Yes is a question. And a call to arms.
No is an amputation and a gelding.
No is nothing. A cul de sac in a tract development.
No severs the artery, bites the tongue, kills the party, aborts the fetus, scrapes the pallet, bombs the hospital of Yes.
Yes bounces.
No sinks. Forever.
Yes shines like the eyes of the eager.
No is a sledge hammer.
Yes is a fulcrum, the arrow and the bow.
No steals.
Yes borrows.
No leers while Yes smiles,
Yes wags it’s tail.
No sits, stays.
No says no to Yes.
Yes says yes to No.
Yes listens and No is deaf and dumb and never dreams.
Yes dreams all the time.
Yes takes the car out for a drive.
No has a head-on with a stranger.
No runs out of gas and Yes survives on fumes.
No gives bad directions.
Yes gets lost and doesn’t care.
Yes swallows.
No vomits.
Yes vomits too sometimes.
Yes has more fun than No.
Unless Yes needs a little No.
No is necessary, No is essential.
Yes is optional. Yes is Yesserific!
No is a dictator.
Yes is a prince.
(He crumples up poem and tosses it towards wastebasket. Misses.)
YES!
You all have taken an important step. You’ve said Yes to failure.
And failure has said Yes to you.
In fact, deep down, failure loves you. The least you can do is return the favor.
Sure not everyone finds true failure.
But if at first you don’t fail, try try again.
And there are as many opportunities to fail as there are opportunities period.
Everything from stubbing your toe to doing a one person show that is basically the same joke told over and over again using different words.
Success requires hard work and training.
With failure, everyone in this room is already an expert. No, really. Everyone’s an ex-spurt.
(BIRTH MIME. Sound: Thus Spake Zarathustra. Center spot. He goes from sperm to birth. After a silent scream the light restores.)
We’re taught from a very young age that failure is a “bad” thing- That we should fear failing at anything we attempt.
That if enough of those failures mount up we will become a failure. But being afraid of failure is like being afraid of life.
It stops us from attempting in the first place.
(Image of Samuel Beckett & Buster Keaton comes up.)
Samuel Beckett famously said “Fail. Fail again, Fail Better.”
And of course you are here to gather the tools to fail better yourselves. But for some of us, it’s in our blood.
It is how we see the world.
for example:
I had the audience fill out these cards before the show.
(He holds up a deck of 3 by 5 cards. he reads off them the initial words and responds, throwing each card in the air.)
You say ears. I say sound nostrils. My bad.
You say four eyes. I say quadruple pupils. Sorry. Failure! You say sneeze. I say volcanose. That’s just stupid!
You say nose picker. I say nostrilnaut. Dumb, yes, but: You say learning from your mistakes.
I say error conditioning.
Now wait a minute. I could be on to something.
You say getting close, but not quite to enlightenment. I say nearvana. You say faked a realization. I say had an epiphony.
Got it?
You say ice cube. I say time release water shot.
You say lousy parallel parker. I say dentist
You say tank top. I say amputeeshirt.
You say piece of paper crumpled into a ball. I say Origami Meteorite.
You say knuckles. I say finger elbows. You say wrists. I say hand ankles. You say handshake. I say fingerhug. You say armpits. I say torso crotches. You say hips. I say hips too.
You say zipper. I say penis flytrap.
You say morning wood. I say up at Don Johnson. Okay maybe I don’t say that.
But
You say butt crack. I say bottom line.
You say fake butt. I say imposterior.
You say groin. I say Gland Central Station.
You say socks. I say shin turtlenecks.
You say self. I say multitude container.
You say busy. I say home less.
You say undulation. I say undue elation. You say ingrate. I say ingreat!
You say kindly doctor who specializes in brain transplants. I say friendly reminder.
You say clapping.
I say self high five-ing.
Thank you.
Often audiences have chanted “More Ron! Moron!” At this part of the lecture.
Every moment gives you another chance- to fail. High five on that.
I am hand’s down the worst high fiver.
Really. High five.
(He does not raise his hand.)
See?
No, the true failure sees the glorious opportunity for failure everywhere. Yes, There are as many techniques as there are opportunities. But one technique may ensure a successful failure.
I learned about it while doing hard time at the Pelican Cove Correctional Facility where I was serving a six year stint for cranio-sacral technique piracy. I had crossed the highly trained Reiki Commandos at the Northern California Holistic Institute one too many times. My cell mate was a serial nose picker known only as “Doug.” We were arguing one day about our treatment. Our window treatment. It was deplorable. He was being quite adamant about going with a plaid- Please. While I was calmly suggesting something a little more au courant, perhaps a charcoal hounds-tooth to set off our stained and discolored mattresses just right and Presto!
It came to me.
Multitask.
Why do one thing well when you can do 8 things poorly? With our technology today I can fail on a variety of platforms (and stages)
simultaneously.
I got a car with a solar powered moon roof. It doesn’t work.
But I was ready. Ready to enter the fabulousy world of failure. But did I not have what it took?
Sure I had my doubts.
But doubt is the muse of failure. so I dove in. I started out in paris as:
(Image comes up on wall: THE WORLD’S LOUDEST MIME. a mime routine.)
OH MY GOD IM TRAPPED IN A BOX WHERE THE WIND IS BLOWING AND THERES A ROPE AND A LADDER! AND THE WALLS ARE GETTING SMALLER AND SMALLER!
Thank you.
Suckcesses.
I mean what is success?
Who are these successes?
I met a man with five penises. His pants fit like a glove.
But was he a success?
What do we know about successful people? They’re good at badminton. I’m bad at goodminton.
Don’t get me wrong. The Successful are great. They fixed all the potholes on my street and put in speed bumps.
Sure I’d like to be a success.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
But Failure makes you try new things. What is the point of doing something you already know how to do?
I took a spelling test and got an A for affort.
I was in the mood for some comfort food so I ate a pillow.
In these confusing times we need failures more than ever. The successful haven’t been so successful. We need more happy accidents.
More Serendipity.
The word Serendipity comes from The Tales of the 1001 Nights. There is an island called Serendib in Sinbad’s adventures. You can’t get there by trying to get there. You can only get there by mistake. By failing to get somewhere else.
This is why having a list of priorities is at the very bottom of my list of priorities.
And my favorite flower is the oopsy daisy.
And my learning curve is a loop de loop.
Cue the Curlicue!
(Image of a Curlicue comes up.)
In Greek mythology the Charybdis was a deadly, ship-sucking sea monster. A swirling thing of chaos which sucked down passing ships without warning three times a day, and only spewed the remains up somewhere else hours later. The captains of the ships which had to sail through the strait of Messina, people like Sinbad, had a choice. Risk the possibility of being pulled inexorably into the Charybdis’ watery vortex or pass by on the other side, close to the rocks, risking attack by Scylla.
Scylla was a monster that snapped up sailors with her long-necked dogs’ heads. Homer said she was hideous, with six heads and twelve legs, while Ovid said she was a beautiful woman from the waist up but instead of legs she had six dog-heads. If the ship sailed fast Scylla could only take six sailors, unlike Charybdis which could swallow the whole ship. This is
why the witch Circe in the Odyssey tells Odysseus to risk Scylla rather than Charybdis.
This is where we get the saying “Between a rock and a hard place.” This is where us failures live.
I see the various Charybdi everywhere. From the diagram of a DNA strand. to the ascending curlicue of a tendril of smoke to the churning gray mass of a deadly tornado. It is depicted in prehistoric paintings on the
cave walls of the Southwest and in Hokusai’s wood blocks.
(Image of a Hokusai whirlpool comes up.)
I see the Charybdis in my twist doughnut in the morning and the corkscrew for my wine in the evening. It even lurks in the coils of my mattress
while I sleep.
(Light Cue: Center Spot.)
Charybdis.
I blame you, Charybdis.
I blame your fatal curves.
Your hurtling curl.
Your primal, viral spiral that weaves its way into the web and weft of the world so insidiously.
I see you in the diamond tip of the drill that pierces the skin of the
Earth for its black blood a mile below the surface of the Gulf of
Mexico.
You are in the fractal whirlpool of the stars and in the dizzy nebula of the nanosphere.
You can be found in the calcified coil of the conch and in the sweet lure of the couch.
You are the curl in Fibonacci’s fern.
Oh Charybdis.
You are the power that reduces oceans into carnival spin-art abstracts. And it’s you in my thoughts, circling the dark drain of memory, where you curl hard in the private armadillo of my heart.
(Restore light cue.)
This is all getting rather meta.
This show is failing. What is up with all these poems?
Couldn’t he have memorized more of this?
I gotta tell you. I was gonna go in a whole nother direction for this show. I want to do a one man show of Our Town called My Town.
I wanted to do a one man version of Jaws called Jaw.
but I thought: what do I know. What am I an expert on?
And Failure was the first thing that came up.
I’ve dedicated my life to failure.
And now when I come in to a room people burst into a pause.
And here I am, in the bloom of my old age.
The only thing I do mightily is struggle.
The only thing I’ll hazard these days is a guess.
The last time I went out on a limb was when I fell asleep on my arm. I said it once and I’ll say it again: I repeat myself.
You see failure, whether you seek it or not, comes to all of us.
It’s a necessary part of life. Failure is life.
Still…
(Light Cue:Center Spot.)
ERASER
I mourn the loss of erasers.
Now we just hit the delete button.
But with an eraser there was a rhythm, A cadence to the task.
You make a mistake.
There is the brief exhale Like a quick sigh
To expel the tiny frustration.
Then there’s the eraser itself.
The feel of it.
Erasers are the cousins of rubber bands. Everyone knows this.
Then there’s the rubbing. And The Disappearing Act.
And then the small finger of the left hand flicks once, Then twice,
The tiny rolls of spent eraser.
And then the soft blow
To disperse them.
And then it all starts again until the next mistake. And again,
Exhale.
Rub.
Flick.
Flick.
Blow.
And then the writing, writing, writing-
Mistake.
Exhale.
Rub.
Flick.
Flick.
Blow.
My delete button thinks I’m crazy. He says writing is not dancing. Anymore.
(Light Cue: Confession. He upends the wastebasket, spilling the papers, and uses it to sit down center.)
Remember that confession I mentioned earlier?
I’d like to make it now.
Every day I suffer from the horrifying stigma of being hugely over privileged.
I’m white, I used to be pushing 50. Now I’m pulling it.
My mirror at home says: Warning: People in mirror may feel older than they appear.
It’s 2019. The year I went from fit to spry.
Sure I dance- caucaisonally. That’s not true. I break dance. When I dance I break something.
Does wearing a girdle bother me? Of corset does.
But every day’s a good day that I wake up on the right side of the grass.
I don’t have a time machine. That joke about the time travelers club? I just made it up. I have no friends in the time travelers club.
Nobody lives forever. We are all going to die.
So life is one (hopefully long) failure.
And the older you get the more you’re like who you are.
(Light Cue:Center Spot.)
18 Nots.
I’m not on your agenda
We’re not on the same page We don’t see eye to eye
I’m not acting my age
It’s not for nothing that I say The reason why is just because I’m not the man I used to be Maybe I never was.
It’s not the first time this has happened
It’s not the last by a long shot
Most the things I learned in life are not what I was taught
And all the things I’m thinking now are just not what I thought ‘Cuz it’s not where you are, it’s where you are not.
It’s not who you know it’s the ones you forgot
It’s not what you have it’s what you’ve not got
I don’t know who I am but I know who I’m not I’m not knocking nothing if it’s all that you’ve got.
The future gets the headlines while the past is left to rot Now you’re positive I’m negative
I get that a lot
But I’m not giving in and I’m not giving up
I’m not going quietly
I’m not some kind of chump
I guess I just won’t take yes for an answer The reason why is just because
I’m not the man I used to be.
Maybe I never was.
(Restore Light Cue.)
I wanted to teach you today How to Fail and I think… I failed.
But let me ask you this. What kind of feelings does success engender? Usually Envy. Jealousy? Resentment?
Whereas failure has the potential to elicit Compassion, Connection. Surprise.
And perhaps most important: Empathy.
Success does not create empathy. Failure does.
And the reason we have empathy when we see someone fail is because we know.
We know we are not alone.
We are all failures.
We are ALL walking that semi perfect Enso,
We’re all circling the drain, surrendering to the Charybdis, closing our eyes and Saying Yes to that Leap of Failure.
And we are all worthy of empathy.
And I can feel that energy here tonight. Yes, over here. Yes, and over here.
So I want everyone on this side of the room to stretch out your hands and I want you go through your Chakras and give me that empathy energy out through your fingers.
And I’m going to take that empathy and I’m going to give it to this side of the room.
And when you feel it you’re going to go auuuugh.
Ready? Give me that empathy energy. Good. And I take it and give it to this side.
You are so selfish.
Give it back. Give me that empathy energy back. Good. And I give it to this side.
Now everyone, the whole room, Give me that empathy energy. Great. Now I’m going to take all of that energy and I’m going to take it over here and I’m going to give it to this man.
(He dumps the “empathy energy” on the person he used as the volunteer. steps back onstage. Image of The Fool comes up.)
So go out there and fail. Remember your results may very.
Many of you may not succeed in failing right off.
But If you can’t fail at least you can put the ish in accomplishments. Yes, Go Out There and Fail.
What could go wrong?
(A sudden black out.)
END OF PLAY
